A sad death by suicide my letter to Hannah

This time last year on June 14^th 2015 was probably the worst day of my life. I have dealt with death before such as losing my dad when I was 23 to cancer. But the 14^th June 2015 was the worst. One that I will never forget. Getting that phone call to say that my lovely niece Hannah aged 21 had passed away from suicide. I can still hear my scream that came from my voice as I received the news. Nothing prepares you for death. Nobody’s life is permanent, but losing a loved one to suicide is painful, coupled with the death of a child that brings pain with it, that doesn’t compare to any other kind of pain. Losing a child and seeing a parent bury their child brings so many emotions that no word, blog or song can ever fully express. It hurts and it hurts really fu**ing bad!

Why does death by suicide hurt those left behind?

It hurts because survivors of a suicide loss constantly ask “Why did they do it?” “What could I have done to prevent it?” “How could they do this to us?” “What were they thinking just before they decided to act upon it?” So many questions.

From attending lots of mental health workshops and becoming certified in mental health first aid and suicide *gate keeping I have learnt many things regarding depression and suicide. Lots of things that I wish I had known prior to June 2015. Could knowing all the information I learnt this last year since her death have prevented it? Maybe, or sadly maybe not. It is a question that I do ask myself a lot, but I have to pull myself back in again as never knowing that answer will only eat away at me.

Most suicidal people are depressed as was Hannah and sadly depression is the common cold of modern life. Depression is both biological and psychological. Suicide is the most complex and difficult to understand of all human behavior. People who finally take their own lives must pass through some sort of psychological barrier before they act. This final wall of resistance to death is what keeps many suicidal people alive. Unfortunately for Hannah she didn’t reach this final wall of resistance. Suicide can also be situational as well as biological and psychological. It didn’t help that Hannah silently struggled with depression. Her letter that she left for her parents was evident of this. But in Hannah’s case it was also situational.

Hannah lost her close friend to suicide 8 months prior and she blamed herself for this death as she declined an invite to spend the night with her friend that was struggling. This must have been so hard for Hannah. Aged 21 and losing a friend must have been very difficult. Hannah was very caring and felt deeply about people and animals that she was close too. It makes sense that she would have blamed herself due to her caring nature.

I received a phone call from my Mum 6 weeks before Hannah passed away to let me know that Hannah’s boyfriend had also passed away. Also from suicide. Thinking about it and thinking about the chain of events hurts my stomach. Sometimes I wake up in the night and think “Did I just dream all of this” or some days I think to myself “Did I make up this story and am I losing my mind?”

As Hannah was coming to terms with his death and on the day that she spread his ashes she seemed, or so I was told to be in a better place and looking forward to the future and slowly moving on from his death. The week before she was on holiday in Turkey with her parents and sister, she was smiling on her Instagram pictures and looked like she was moving forward. Everybody thought she was doing much better.

But this is where I have learnt some valuable information that completely messes with my head, but I understand it. Do I get it? No I absolutley don’t get it, but I understand that psychological trigger. Here goes…

When some choose to die by suicide

Depression saps our energy. It saps our purpose and when it saps our purpose we are too tired to carry out a suicidal plan. However as the depression starts to lift and the cloud disperses, the person may suddenly feel well enough again to act on their plan.

Often the hours before death are often filled with a blissful calm and even a chipper attitude, so don’t be fooled by a person who showed severe signs of depression or thoughts of suicide or that has gone through very traumatic life events, that all is well just because they ‘seem’ happier. A suicide prevention hotline counselor during a class that I took told us “Just as we get excited about planning a vacation that we are going on, the person who is contemplating suicide also gets excited about the vacation that they have planned for themselves, but in their case, their vacation has no return ticket”. Tough one to digest!

This is the time to act and to ask the questions “Are you thinking of ending your life?” Research has repeatedly shown that once a person has been asked if they are thinking of suicide, they feel relief, not distress. Most people thinking of suicide want to talk. Asking the suicide question (as seen in this blog) does not increase risk! Unfortunately Hannah was asked by her Dad if she was contemplating suicide. She wasn’t truthful. Her pain must have been too great for her to talk about it at that time. He was not to know. Or maybe that day that he asked her, she wasn’t contemplating suicide but maybe the events leading up to it, pushed her.

Too many things were going on for Hannah around this time. She had a nasty encounter with a (I will call her a bully, because that is what she is) girl on the day of her boyfriends funeral. A nasty girl who was obviously not raised hearing “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. It was all too much and things didn’t get easier with the girl in question.

So on the day of June 14^th 2015 after spreading his ashes, visiting with her Grandma and talking about her plans for the future, Hannah chose to die by suicide later that day.

Most people who die by suicide don’t want to die. They just want the pain to end. They don’t see a way out of their suffering. They want that awful pain to go away. They don’t intend to hurt their loved ones. They sometimes feel that they are a burden to their loved ones and sincerely think their passing will benefit them. If only they knew.

There is help out there. There is help for anybody who is at their lowest point and there are professionals that care! Never make a person who is contemplating suicide feel that what they are talking about doing will crush you. They feel guilty enough as it is. Putting more guilt onto their shoulders can increase their pain. Empathy and feeling heard by you and by acknowledging how they are feeling can help. We all want to be heard.

My letter to Hannah who passed away by suicide on 6/14/2015

Dear Hannah.

You are greatly missed. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. The pain that I feel with your loss and for the pain that you’re Mum, Dad, Becky and Grandma are all going through is tough. If you felt this much mental pain every day, especially during the last 2 years of your life, then I am so sorry for this. Living with mental pain and waking up each day wondering how you are going to get through it, must have been hell for you.

Would you still be alive if Jules hadn’t passed away? I like to think that you would be and that you would be getting help for your depression. But I cannot question this and you are not here to tell me the answer to this. I have my beliefs and I believe in the afterlife. Believing gives me comfort. I believe you didn’t intend to hurt us. It doesn’t lessen my pain, but I get it.

I used to like trees. I used to look up at trees and be in awe as to how big and wonderful they are. I struggle with trees now. I try not to look at them as the tears start to well up behind my eyes. But, I know one day I will be able to look up at them and have a memory of you that doesn’t involve your death, but your life. Losing a person by suicide is the worst pain ever, but I am not angry at you for this. I just feel so sorry for the pain you must have been dealing with. Life must have been very, very bleak for you. The last year has had some very dark days. The pain that I am feeling as I cannot speak for anybody else, will never be like the pain that you must have been feeling each day.

I might look like the same person, but I am definitely not the same person I was. It has brought many changes. Changes in how I think and with words that I use about myself and about others. I am so different. Sometimes I am not even sure who I am anymore. But this is OK, because we have to change, especially when we have gone through something very tough.

I wrote you a letter Hannah and placed it in the ground during your burial. I hope you know what I wrote. I like to think that you did. This is what I like to believe and this is what keeps me from being bitter with the world and with some of the people in it. The people in the world that choose to be mean such as the bully that you had to encounter.

I am sorry for this. I am sorry for everything you felt and experienced during your last 2 years. I am sorry, that your Dad was the one that found you. I struggle with this one, I will be honest! But you are loved and will always be in my thoughts. We played this song at your funeral. Hope you heard it. Your Dad said that you listened to it a lot. I wish I could listen to the lyrics without thinking about the words and what they must have said to you.

Love you.

Aunty Claire. Xx