Claire is a postpartum doula and also offers a one of a kind confidential online and over the phone "listening service" for anybody that is lonely or that just wants to be heard.
How to question a person who is having suicidal thoughts:
Because suicide can be a taboo subject, asking the ‘S’ question may, at first, seem awkward or difficult.
But the truth is you may be the best person in the best possible position to recognize the warning signs of a suicide crisis and to prevent suicide. Just because this might not have worked in Hannah’s situation, doesn’t mean it won’t work for you! Just as you have the courage to apply the Heimlich maneuver to help a stranger that is choking, you can also apply the question if you think they are considering ending their life by suicide.
Many people who have just been asked if they are thinking of suicide have a great need to talk and feel a relief rather than distress. This provides them a ray of light where there had been darkness. So when they start to talk, remember to listen, listen and listen without judgement, or with placing any guilt on their shoulders.
Placing guilt on a person who is contemplating suicide can come in various ways such as:
“After all I have done for you, and you are talking about ending it”
“You have more than most people, why would you think this way?”
“Are you in another mood again and just trying to bring more worry to this family?”
“But you are my husband we made our vows, how can you think about leaving me this way?”
In a class that I took on QPR (question, persuade, refer) *suicide gate keeping I partnered up with a guy in his 50’s that was in the police. He told me about his experience 20 years ago with wanting to end his life by suicide . He bravely shared some dark stories with me about his life. He told me his relationship with his mother had always been very fraught. But once she asked him an ‘S’ question, he felt like the weight had lifted from his shoulders as she listened to his response. His relationship with his mother improved and continues to improve and he is over the dark, depressing state that he was once in. He believes it was her questioning that changed his life and of course saved his life.
So no time to waste…..questions to ask a person contemplating suicide:
“Have you been unhappy lately?”
“Have you been very unhappy lately?”
“Have you been so unhappy you wished you were dead?”
“Do you ever wish you could go to sleep and never wake up?”
“You know when people are as upset as you see to be, they sometimes wish they were dead. I’m wondering if you’re feeling that way too.”
“Have you ever wanted to stop living?”
“You look pretty miserable. Are you thinking of ending your life?”
“Are you thinking about suicide?”
Perhaps you feel only a professional should ask such a delicate question. Not so. Suicide prevention is everybody business. Feeling reluctant to ask the question is normal. But it can save a life.
What to say to a person that is contemplating suicide:
If the answers to your question/s are ‘yes’ and they discuss with you that they are considering suicide. Listen. Keep listening and ask them:
“Will you come with me to see a counselor, a priest, a minister, a doctor, a psychologist etc.?”
“Will you let me help you make an appointment with ….?”
“Will you promise me you will stay safe until we go see somebody together?”
Sometimes suicidal people will agree to get help, but not get it. They might resist it thinking they don’t need it. But simply saying to them “I want you to live, will you please stay alive until we can get you some help?” gives that person hope and will usually try to honor your request because they realize you care. Don’t we all want somebody who shows that they care about us?
Just as you would not allow a friend or loved one to die if they were drowning, neither would you stand by and do nothing for someone preparing to end their life.
A promise to stay alive and agreeing to stay safe provides relief to the person whom is suffering. Those who suffer silently and hide it are not so lucky and neither are the loved ones that are left behind. R.I.P Hannah you are missed.
Help save a life today!
1-800-SUICIDE.
*A gatekeeper is anyone in a position to recognize a crisis and warning signs that someone may be contemplating suicide.
This time last year on June 14th 2015 was probably the worst day of my life. I have dealt with death before such as losing my dad when I was 23 to cancer. But the 14th June 2015 was the worst. One that I will never forget. Getting that phone call to say that my lovely niece Hannah aged 21 had passed away from suicide. I can still hear my scream that came from my voice as I received the news. Nothing prepares you for death. Nobody’s life is permanent, but losing a loved one to suicide is painful, coupled with the death of a child that brings pain with it, that doesn’t compare to any other kind of pain. Losing a child and seeing a parent bury their child brings so many emotions that no word, blog or song can ever fully express. It hurts and it hurts really fu**ing bad!
Why does death by suicide hurt those left behind?
It hurts because survivors of a suicide loss constantly ask “Why did they do it?” “What could I have done to prevent it?” “How could they do this to us?” “What were they thinking just before they decided to act upon it?” So many questions.
From attending lots of mental health workshops and becoming certified in mental health first aid and suicide *gate keeping I have learnt many things regarding depression and suicide. Lots of things that I wish I had known prior to June 2015. Could knowing all the information I learnt this last year since her death have prevented it? Maybe, or sadly maybe not. It is a question that I do ask myself a lot, but I have to pull myself back in again as never knowing that answer will only eat away at me.
Most suicidal people are depressed as was Hannah and sadly depression is the common cold of modern life. Depression is both biological and psychological. Suicide is the most complex and difficult to understand of all human behavior. People who finally take their own lives must pass through some sort of psychological barrier before they act. This final wall of resistance to death is what keeps many suicidal people alive. Unfortunately for Hannah she didn’t reach this final wall of resistance. Suicide can also be situational as well as biological and psychological. It didn’t help that Hannah silently struggled with depression. Her letter that she left for her parents was evident of this. But in Hannah’s case it was also situational.
Hannah lost her close friend to suicide 8 months prior and she blamed herself for this death as she declined an invite to spend the night with her friend that was struggling. This must have been so hard for Hannah. Aged 21 and losing a friend must have been very difficult. Hannah was very caring and felt deeply about people and animals that she was close too. It makes sense that she would have blamed herself due to her caring nature.
I received a phone call from my Mum 6 weeks before Hannah passed away to let me know that Hannah’s boyfriend had also passed away. Also from suicide. Thinking about it and thinking about the chain of events hurts my stomach. Sometimes I wake up in the night and think “Did I just dream all of this” or some days I think to myself “Did I make up this story and am I losing my mind?”
As Hannah was coming to terms with his death and on the day that she spread his ashes she seemed, or so I was told to be in a better place and looking forward to the future and slowly moving on from his death. The week before she was on holiday in Turkey with her parents and sister, she was smiling on her Instagram pictures and looked like she was moving forward. Everybody thought she was doing much better.
But this is where I have learnt some valuable information that completely messes with my head, but I understand it. Do I get it? No I absolutley don’t get it, but I understand that psychological trigger. Here goes…
When some choose to die by suicide
Depression saps our energy. It saps our purpose and when it saps our purpose we are too tired to carry out a suicidal plan. However as the depression starts to lift and the cloud disperses, the person may suddenly feel well enough again to act on their plan.
Often the hours before death are often filled with a blissful calm and even a chipper attitude, so don’t be fooled by a person who showed severe signs of depression or thoughts of suicide or that has gone through very traumatic life events, that all is well just because they ‘seem’ happier.A suicide prevention hotline counselor during a class that I took told us “Just as we get excited about planning a vacation that we are going on, the person who is contemplating suicide also gets excited about the vacation that they have planned for themselves, but in their case, their vacation has no return ticket”.Tough one to digest!
This is the time to act and to ask the questions “Are you thinking of ending your life?” Research has repeatedly shown that once a person has been asked if they are thinking of suicide, they feel relief, not distress. Most people thinking of suicide want to talk. Asking the suicide question (as seen in this blog) does not increase risk! Unfortunately Hannah was asked by her Dad if she was contemplating suicide. She wasn’t truthful. Her pain must have been too great for her to talk about it at that time. He was not to know. Or maybe that day that he asked her, she wasn’t contemplating suicide but maybe the events leading up to it, pushed her.
Too many things were going on for Hannah around this time. She had a nasty encounter with a (I will call her a bully, because that is what she is) girl on the day of her boyfriends funeral. A nasty girl who was obviously not raised hearing “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. It was all too much and things didn’t get easier with the girl in question.
So on the day of June 14th 2015 after spreading his ashes, visiting with her Grandma and talking about her plans for the future, Hannah chose to die by suicide later that day.
Most people who die by suicide don’t want to die. They just want the pain to end. They don’t see a way out of their suffering. They want that awful pain to go away. They don’t intend to hurt their loved ones. They sometimes feel that they are a burden to their loved ones and sincerely think their passing will benefit them. If only they knew.
There is help out there. There is help for anybody who is at their lowest point and there are professionals that care! Never make a person who is contemplating suicide feel that what they are talking about doing will crush you. They feel guilty enough as it is. Putting more guilt onto their shoulders can increase their pain. Empathy and feeling heard by you and by acknowledging how they are feeling can help. We all want to be heard.
My letter to Hannah who passed away by suicide on 6/14/2015
Dear Hannah.
You are greatly missed. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you. The pain that I feel with your loss and for the pain that you’re Mum, Dad, Becky and Grandma are all going through is tough. If you felt this much mental pain every day, especially during the last 2 years of your life, then I am so sorry for this. Living with mental pain and waking up each day wondering how you are going to get through it, must have been hell for you.
Would you still be alive if Jules hadn’t passed away? I like to think that you would be and that you would be getting help for your depression. But I cannot question this and you are not here to tell me the answer to this. I have my beliefs and I believe in the afterlife. Believing gives me comfort. I believe you didn’t intend to hurt us. It doesn’t lessen my pain, but I get it.
I used to like trees. I used to look up at trees and be in awe as to how big and wonderful they are. I struggle with trees now. I try not to look at them as the tears start to well up behind my eyes. But, I know one day I will be able to look up at them and have a memory of you that doesn’t involve your death, but your life. Losing a person by suicide is the worst pain ever, but I am not angry at you for this. I just feel so sorry for the pain you must have been dealing with. Life must have been very, very bleak for you. The last year has had some very dark days. The pain that I am feeling as I cannot speak for anybody else, will never be like the pain that you must have been feeling each day.
I might look like the same person, but I am definitely not the same person I was. It has brought many changes. Changes in how I think and with words that I use about myself and about others. I am so different. Sometimes I am not even sure who I am anymore. But this is OK, because we have to change, especially when we have gone through something very tough.
I wrote you a letter Hannah and placed it in the ground during your burial. I hope you know what I wrote. I like to think that you did. This is what I like to believe and this is what keeps me from being bitter with the world and with some of the people in it. The people in the world that choose to be mean such as the bully that you had to encounter.
I am sorry for this. I am sorry for everything you felt and experienced during your last 2 years. I am sorry, that your Dad was the one that found you. I struggle with this one, I will be honest! But you are loved and will always be in my thoughts. We played this song at your funeral. Hope you heard it. Your Dad said that you listened to it a lot. I wish I could listen to the lyrics without thinking about the words and what they must have said to you.
Love you.
Aunty Claire. Xx
1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255
1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
*A gatekeeper is anyone in a position to recognize a crisis and warning signs that someone may be contemplating suicide.
Do you want a better relationship with your partner? Here is an article that I read from the Natural Awakenings magazine in Orlando Florida whilst I was sipping my coffee?
An accurate way to predict which couples will likely have a lasting, fulfilling and better relationship is to not look at how they fight (even though I do think personally, that this is important) but to look at how they celebrate. Studies have revealed that divorce is not often caused by an increase in negative feelings, but a decrease in positive feelings.
How often you celebrate is more predictive than how often you fight.
Dr Daniel Thomas says “If you want a better relationship with your partner, spend more time celebrating the good things in life”. Celebrating the good things in life will increase your level of commitment, trust, happiness and intimacy.
I just love this one … “Making a BIG deal over all of the good things – no matter how small – can profoundly improve the health of your relationship”
Take pride in all of your relationships that mean something to you. I don’t think this has to be necessarily a relationship that involves intimacy, but any relationship you want to continue and grow. What do you think?
So what can you celebrate today? Go buy your girlfriend or your daughter (as mine is seen above) some flowers to celebrate completing her first year at college. Or go buy your lover a surprise bottle of wine and celebrate that you are both alive and healthy!
Remember that the more we give to others especially during these times of celebrating the small things in life, it can also help both of you with any feelings of loneliness that you might be going through.
I personally love to celebrate. Give me any opportunity to pop open the champagne or go grab that glass of wine to celebrate my heart is beating, or that the sun is shining.
Do you find yourself immersed in others people’s problems so you don’t feel as alone or lonely,
Do you find yourself taking (possibly unwarranted advice) from a friend whose life you pity?
Are you a strong male/female that gets bullied by a weak man/woman?
Have you been told you are arrogant but you feel you are just being assertive?
Food for thought me thinks! We all have room for improvement. Those who don’t think that there is room for improvement in their life, takes me to my final quote that my Grandma told me when I was a child.
“Scraggy head loves not the comb”.
I learnt as I grew up (because at aged 6 I had no idea what she was talking about when she mentioned scraggy head!!) That it means that “The person with the scraggy hair is the one most in need of the comb, but refuses to use it”. Good ole Grandma!
Looking forward to hearing from you with your favorite bits of advice that you have been given or quotes that you have read!
I once heard a quote many years ago, that resonated so well with me and it is one quote that I try to live by as much as I can. I do stop myself sometimes when I have doubts about starting something that might be big and adventurous to my fearful human mind. I stop myself and think about the quote that I heard and it makes me question “Why am I so fearful of this?” propelling me to think that I better get a move on bringing some positive change into my life because who knows what tomorrow will bring!
A man was once asked …
“What is your definition of Hell?” His response was “Hell to me is coming face to face on my death bed with a person that is not myself but another man. A man that accomplished everything in life that I set out to accomplish but never started or finished it”.
Does this give anybody else the chills or is it just me?
What plans, goals or even inventions were you fearful about starting or never finished, that you now wish you had have started and completed to the end?
I sometimes watch Shark Tank and think to myself or even say out loud “Oh gosh, I had that idea many years ago!” I wonder if people actually believe me when I say it, because it happens a lot. I could be a multi-billionaire right now with all the devices being used today, that I thought of many years ago, but never did anything with my idea, but just sit there and think about it. All business’s and possessions that we own started from a thought. Taking that thought and making it your reality is the tough part. But I know you can do it!
As we knock on one door and start the process, who knows where it will take us, or who it will take us too. The limits are endless!
Go knocking on those doors my lovely! I believe in you!
Have you ever wrote a forgiveness letter to somebody or something that offended you in some way? Let’s have fun with this and give it a try. Read the blog below and once you have done it, let me know how it made you feel! Let me know if after doing it, some miracle occurred or maybe you had some unleashed energy that you cannot wait to share with me!
The Forgiveness letter
Step 1: The feeling letter
Write a short letter to the person, place or thing that really hurt you in the past. It doesn’t matter if this person is alive or if this thing is an object. It could be an ex-boyfriend, a house that burnt down, the dog that passed away too soon. No matter what the pain is, sit and write down the anger, betrayal, the loss and any disappointment that you have. Watch the words flow onto the paper! Take as long as you need, but just let those words flow. I am sure a few F bombs might find its way on to the paper. But that is ok.
Step 2: The response
This letter is a letter that you will write as if it came from the recipient of your feeling letter. Again, pay no attention to the fact that a burnt down house cannot write you a letter. Write as if it is possible. The letter is addressed to you and the words that the recipient writes to you is full of words that you want to hear and that need to hear that make you feel better. The words the recipient uses are kind words that make you feel good about yourself and the situation. You might shed some tears and that is ok.
Step 3: The forgiveness letter
A forgiveness letter is basically a letter that you write to somebody or something that has upset you. It could be to an ex-boyfriend, a house that burnt down, the insurance agent that wouldn’t help you with a claim, or a death that left you feeling in pain. You don’t email or mail this letter to the person! Ok, this next step is important and I know this might be hard for you to stomach at first and it might take you a while to actually get the fingers to type it or the shaking fingers to hold the pen to write it, but as you write your letter of forgiveness you should use words of forgiveness and love. If you really, really don’t feel ready to write those words with love, then write to them telling them that you want to forgive them. Continue writing these letters until you do feel ready to forgive them. Baby steps … Remember whatever you write to the other person or thing whether it is feeling letter written with love or a letter telling them you want to forgive them….you DO NOT send it to them. This is your practice to do in your personal time to help you.
Step 4: Send it in a bubble, balloon a bottle or down the toilet
When you feel that your forgiveness letter is finished and you genuinely feel that you have released this pain from your past and ready to move forward with grace, love and dignity then you can visualize sending your letter in a bubble or a balloon and releasing it into the sky. Or you could fold up your letter, place it in the bottle and send it into the sea! I love this idea…but I’m not an advocate of littering the ocean. Or you could shred it, throw it into the trash or send it down the loo! Whatever way works for you and helps you with closure. If you feel in the future the pain or feeling lonely with the loss starts to return…you can always go back to the exercise and start again.
Happy musings and sending virtual hugs your way today!
Happy people generally are more forgiving, helpful and charitable, have better self-control and are more tolerant of frustration than unhappy people, while unhappy people are more often withdrawn, defensive, antagonistic and self-absorbed. Oscar Wilde observed, “One is not always happy when one is good; but one is always good when one is happy”.
What do you think of the above statement by Gretchen Rubin and Oscar Wilde?
Giving anonymously always gives me a bit of a thrill and boosts my spirits. Giving without expecting anything in return and giving in secret or randomly makes me happier than giving when it is expected. This isn’t to say I don’t give when it is expected as that will then become about myself and not about the recipient.
Tony’s story …
Tony shared with me one day a few years ago back in California that he was in a grocery store when he felt compelled to give to a lady with a baby in a stroller and two toddlers in tow. He felt the energy surrounding this family as an energy that he described as “struggling”. He could tell by the way that they were dressed and the hunched over weathered appearance that the Mom held that they probably didn’t have a lot of money to spend on luxuries or groceries for the week.
He waited for an opportune moment to approach the stroller without looking like a creeper. He knelt down near the stroller to reach for something on the bottom shelf in the grocery store and slipped a $20 bill into the basket of the stroller. The Mom was unaware and he was happy. This kind act of nature gave him a lift to his heart and soul that lasted days knowing that on that day or another day she would find it! This was just one of his many times of giving in secret with the recipient unaware of his good nature.
Ways to give anonymously if giving this way brings you happiness:
Paying for the person behind you in the toll booth. They usually do pass you and give you a thumbs up or a wave, to say ‘thanks’ but I still call this anonymous giving.
Paying for the person’s drink in the car behind you in the McDonalds drive through.
Dropping a handwritten card at somebody’s door that you know is lonely, or leaving a bouquet of flowers.
Buy a store bought pie that is sealed in a grocery store box with a receipt. Leave a note attached and leave it on somebody’s desk at work, or at their home. Try to avoid a homemade cake or brownies as they might be wary of eating something as they don’t know whether it is laced with stuff or safe to eat. I also mention leaving the receipt so they know it has been bought recently.
Does anybody have any suggestions that I might not have thought about that you have used or heard of somebody else using?
Did you enjoy reading my “What is your WHY blog?” If you did and are ready to kick start your goals then please read this, to turbo charge them into action!
Having goals and writing them down is definitely a start when it comes to achieving them. And like my previous blog said, having a purpose to your WHY is equally as important.
But the main thing that triggers the goals or dreams that you have set in place for yourself will not happen if the emotion you have with them is non-existent. You will struggle to see them appear into your life if there is no emotion attached to it.
When you visualize your goals as if they have already happened, what kind of feeling do you get when you see those pictures in your mind of you already having them?
Do you feel in the pit of your stomach a feeling of elation, excitement or a feeling of being lonely?
Write down on a piece of paper what your goals are and make a list by the side of your goals as to what the feeling is that you get with that goal.
Here is an example to help you:
My goal is: I understand my WHY and I want to work flexible hours and increase my income by 20% by year 2017.
When I think of myself as having already achieved this goal, I get a giddy feeling in my stomach of how this would make me feel. I feel ….
Free
Flexible
Carefree
Loose
Successful
Once you have wrote down the feelings associated with your goal and there are no boundaries as to how many feelings you have. The more the better. Go for it and turbo charge your life!
Now I want you to write down each adjective that you used to describe this feeling and write down next to it WHY you feel those things.
Here is another example: Please pick what comes to mind for yourself. Take your time with the exercise.
I feel free because I can pick my children up from school around my flexible hours
I love feeling flexible because I can plan lunch dates or vacation dates with no restrictions
I feel carefree when I see others struggle to have playtime due to a corporate lifestyle with a butt head of a boss
I feel loose as I work around my flexible life and enjoy going to the gym more which helps with my mind as well as my physical body. The extra income makes me feel loose mentally about treating myself and my children to nicer things
I love this feeling of being successful. I feel successful because I have achieved the goal that I set for myself last year and know that anything is possible if I put my mind to it with an emotion attached.
Keep all of your notes that you have made and read them EVERY single day. As you read them, keep those feelings that you have and feel them. Really feel them. Add to your list if you wish, but keep feeling as you visualize the outcome.
What goals do you have for yourself? Are they goals that are personal or business related? Maybe you have goals for both areas of your life?
The goals in itself are not always good enough in regards to attainment. Because things get hard, you might want to throw the towel in and give up. But if you have a strong enough WHY you want to succeed in whatever your goals are, if that reason is compelling enough for you and is an intrinsic goal – nothing will stop you.
Your WHY in life will help you achieve your goals whatever they might be and no matter what, the rest will follow.
Hard work and persistence will always pay off more than talent and genetics. Of course, having both of those things is helpful, but the most important thing is knowing and understanding your WHY.
If you’re feeling a little unmotivated or you’re feeling a little lost, sit down and ask yourself “What do I really want?” Get to the core reason, then set that goal and know that you are going to get it.
When things get hard and life happens – it won’t matter because you have that WHY. You have that compelling reason that’s bigger than whatever obstacle is in your way.
If you are still unsure about your WHY, allow me to give you a brief example and a very personal secret that a lovely lady I once knew shared with me many years ago….
Sally’s story …. (Name has been changed) Sally was a very lonely but successful business owner and also the wife of a very successful surgeon. Money was no issue in their life and she had the perfect life to anybody looking from the outside in. Sally didn’t need to work and her friends that knew nothing about her secret, questioned her constantly about the long hours that she worked and wondered why she worked when her husband was an amazing man and very generous. But Sally had a secret that she only shared with a few close people that she trusted. Sally discovered that her husband had an addiction to pain medication and used his profession as a means to maintaining his addiction.
Sally knew that at any time her world could come crumbling down and leave her and her son in a financial ruin or in a worst case scenario a widow and her son without a father. Sally knew that she had to find a way to make money that could sustain both her and her son if divorce got nasty or if a death was in their future. This was her WHY. She worked hard and had that cushion so she could support herself and her son if the worst was to happen. Thankfully the worst didn’t happen.
Her husband did find help and has been clean for a few years now and she sold her business but went onto another business that was less stressful for her, but still gave her security just in case.
Knowing her WHY is what made Sally very, very successful at achieving her personal financial goals.
Want to know how to kick it up a notch and how to achieve your goal as if by magic? Please read this follow up blog to your WHY so you can achieve your goal that much quicker!
When anthropologists have studied different cultures from around the world they have found that the happiest people more often than not tend to have a connection to their ancestors in some way. Meaning, they know where they come from. Humans have a desire and a deep joy to feel like they are part of a group such as a religion or a community or in this case a continuum.
Dan Buettner the author of “9 lessons for living longer from the people who’ve lived the longest” writes in his book about his ‘pride shine’. He keeps pictures and memorabilia on a table right outside his bedroom. Your pride shine could be pictures of your grandmother as a little girl, your child’s drawing and a seashell from the summer house that you escape to with friends. What a lovely idea as it is a surefire way to work in daily flashes of joy when you walk by it every day as it keeps you connected.
I have never delved into the ancesestory.com but often think about going for it. Maybe some of your stories might inspire me to take the plunge.
Have you got any stories to share with me about your experience with finding out who your ancestors were? What did they do for work and how did they die?
Can’t wait to hear from you with your stories!
You can reply to the blog or send me your story here. Pictures are welcome also!
